I didn't say despise. I'm not sure that bother is a good word, either. Or maybe it is... I'm still trying to figure it out.
I just think maybe it's not as multi-use as I was thinking it was? Maybe there's better options, right? If someone makes me mad, instead of setting them or their things on fire, I could just fight them a normal way. Or put ghosts in their bed.
...Maybe not the ghosts.
Though that would be more contained...
Like I said! I'm not sure! But using fire is hard to stop. And it's impossible to take back. Maybe I don't want to cause that much damage. Or maybe if I do, I want to be in control of it. I don't want to hurt people or put them in danger if they didn't do anything to me.
for people like us well for people like me burning everything someone holds dear is a far better solution than fighting them directly it twists the knife more you get to watch them suffer and besides a magus like myself cant afford to get too close to a stronger opponent thats why i rely on my dark magics
putting ghosts in their bed is an interesting one ill have to remember that
but ive always planned my vengeance carefully it isnt mindless violence for the sake of it even if the collateral never mattered
you know the sort of woman i am by now dont you
[It struck her then that she wasn't really taking in what Klaudia was saying, not really. Why did she feel so defensive?? Was it that she was upset that her gift had missed the mark? No, that wasn't quite right...it was that thre was such a misjudgement that it had been a little jarring.
That perhaps, their mindsets were more different than she'd realised before.]
[She catches that correction--from "us" to "me". It leaves Klaudia a little unsettled. She wasn't trying to draw a line between them; she was just trying to explain... She doesn't have a hold on any of this, just the knowledge that she has people who think she has potential to do and be whatever she wants... and it feels like a door opening to something she's never thought could be hers. A chance to define what she wants to be, rather than what everyone else sees.]
I know the sort of person you are. But sometimes I don't think you do.
I never thought that you were being mindlessly cruel, or even doing anything because you wanted to be cruel. I was on your side, wasn't I? And I would be again. I just think that maybe the collateral does matter. Or at least, it matters to other people, and I want it to matter to me. I want to have the chance to be someone that doing things right matters for.
I don't know if that makes any sense. I just know that it felt hopeless before, like I didn't get a choice. That what everyone saw in me was decided a long time ago. But now I do get to choose because I have people who will let me choose... Is that so bad?
i know i know you are an ally who would never betray me
[So why was she so nervous? Was it that same feeling of trepidation she'd felt when the Argonauts became aware of her twisted methods, and began to mistrust her?
...She tried to refocus her attention to what was actually written.]
if you dont want your allies to be hurt i can understand that its painful seeing them suffer
yes i can understand that
there isnt anything wrong with that isnt my concern i maent that
[It was frustrating. For all she felt about all of this, getting her thoughts down was difficult, and these wretched devices didn't help.]
Why painfully? That's the part that makes me think you don't know at all! The Medea I know isn't painful at all. I'm glad to know her.
And it's not about allies, not like that. That makes it sound too formal. It's very embarrassing and you're going to laugh at me, but one of them said I could be heroic once. I thought he was teasing me. No one has ever thought that before, not even me. But if he really does think that, then I would be letting him down if I didn't at least try.
It would be nice, being that sort of person, wouldn't it? Not the fake kind, but the real kind that helps people who really need it. My friends are both people like that. Really, really good people. And my captain was like that, too. If it's possible for me to be even just a little bit like that, then I want to be. I really, really want to be.
youll get yourself exploited far too easily that way you know people who seek to use your kindness for their own ends until there is nothing left
i you are but
you were someone who stayed by my side protected and helped me i suppose that would be heroic if you were defending someone elsee so i dont think those people are wrong to say that about you
im not going to laugh about something like that
[There was a long pause then as she thought on Klaudia's words. Yes...she did. As a child she did want to help others that way, didn't she? And when she replied, her typing started to slip- ]
nott sinc e aphrotdite twisted mty hheart or when th world called me a witch and blamd me for its evils
sinc i could only lliv as a witch that is what i became
No you're not! Writing too much. And you're not a witch. Unless you do really want to be. But you don't sound like you do, so I'm sorry that everyone called you that and I will fight them for you.
I haven't been called that many things. Mostly "demon" here, but not too often. A few other things where I'm from. It was more that I heard things and was told things. People don't trust tieflings. We came from devils a long time ago, so we're just evil by default. If there were any tieflings that were good, then it was a constant struggle and against their nature, and you could never actually be sure they wouldn't betray you. They were ill omens and bad luck. That's what I grew up with.
When I started traveling, I heard a lot more. I didn't like how people looked at me, but I also hated how they didn't want me to be seen at all. If I was allowed to book passage on a ship at all, it was under the condition that I stayed out of sight so I wouldn't spook the crew. So when I found a ship that didn't mind having me aboard, it was... weird. But good! Even after I found out they were pirates, I didn't care. If "bad" people were the only ones that treated me well, then I thought maybe it was all true. Maybe tieflings were just bad, and I shouldn't try to be something else if I'm never going to achieve it. I didn't want to spend my whole life struggling against who I was.
It's a little like that, right? Everyone says that you're bad, so why not just be that. It's easier than trying to be something that no one is going to see. It doesn't hurt as much when people don't believe you because you've made your own reasons. And it makes it easier to hurt them back, I think. Because you can say that they wouldn't have believed you anyway, so that means they deserve it.
But having someone actually believe you is... I don't know how to describe it in a way that I haven't already. See, I thought you were going to laugh at me being called heroic, but you don't think it's a joke either. I don't know what to do with that.
But I like it. I want to hold onto that. I don't want to let anyone tell me that I can't have it.
So. I wrote a lot too, but what I'm trying to say is... If a pirate can be heroic, then a witch can be too. If she wants to be. She doesn't have to always be arson and curses and cloaks, if what she really wants to do is help people.
its exactly like that everyone insists you are responsible for the evils of the world so why not show them exactly what an evil you can become the ugliness of their desire for a witch to blame for every misfortune every ugliness in the world
and then they suffer and you can call down your vengeance upon them without hesitation
[Getting that out there first. A pirate, hm? That was new information. As was the context about Klaudia's world.]
those who treated you with distain deserve to burn i would have made certain of that
but in the end that would not have helped you would it
whoever it is being accepted for who you are is important you never want to let go of that really do you
your crewmates cared for you in the end didnt they im glad you found people like that
i thought your world might be a little like that from what you told my younger self but it didnt seem as if it should be my business to pry
[Another pause for thought. She really wasn't sure how coherent all of this was, not compared to Klaudia's rational arguements- perhaps it was simply her thoughts all coming far too quickly for her slow typing to keep up.]
when souichirou sama saved me and i made a pact with him i wanted
i wanted a peaceful existence as his wife
its laughable really that a wretched woman like me would want something that simple
but for me the only way i could achieve such a thing was to call on my darkest magics and bloodshed in the holy grail war
not that it bothered me i would burn the world down to achieve my happiness and keep hold of it after all exhausting though the fighting is
but no i dont see you wanting to be heroic as something to laugh at truthfully it frightens me a little
Nothing is laughable here! I'm not laughing, you're not laughing. No joke zone. Though I do think you can do better than being somebody's wife. Am I allowed to say that? It's still not laughable! Wanting a peaceful and happy life is just fine for someone who is not wretched at all. The Medea I know is kind to me and leaves me nice gifts, when I didn't even think to get her something. She's smart and pretty and cares a lot about people. I think she could do anything that she wanted to do.
...Why does it frighten you? I'm not going to suddenly be the bad kind, I promise!
youre allowed to say what you wish that is happiness to me and i dont care if i deserve it or not its what i want
honestly klaudia those compliments are making me blush i cant remember the last time someone spoke of me in that way you should know better what evil i am capable of
[She didn't answer the question Klaudia had left, not at first. How should she even reply to that?]
What "evil" are you talking about? Getting upset because someone you know died? Wanting the person who killed them to face responsibility for that? I haven't seen any evil from you. I'm going to fight you if you keep saying things like that. We already agreed that people have said stupid and ugly and untrue things about us. Don't repeat their lies for them.
I don't despise magic. You should know that. Magic is just magic. There's no good magic or bad magic or whatever. You remember what I said before, right? When you were little and worried about your magic? It's just a tool. Whether it's good or bad, that depends on the person using it. If you don't want it to be "used for evil", then it doesn't have to be. It's as simple as that.
that little girl died a long time ago when aphrodite twisted her heart and she left her homeland for the first and last time
[Being turned into her younger self again had been a strange, humiliating experience, but she had been grateful to Klaudia for looking out for her back then.]
if you dont want to call it evil then call it selfishness all ive done is for my own sake to get my happiness and achieve my own ends
in the end i dont think what was said about me was incorrect or a lie i chose to become the witch they so despised so i could show them exactly what it was their wishes demanded when they sought someone to blame for the worlds evils
do you really think there do not exist spells that can only be used to hurt others that curses and darkness can be used for anything else other than selfishness
i dont know where im going with this but dont let people exploit your desire to help them dont let them use that kindness to hurt you
...I still believe in that little girl. She's not dead to me. I see her every day.
I don't see how selfishness is so bad, either. Sometimes, if you don't do things for yourself, no one will. But sometimes there's people who want to help you and want you to reach for things that aren't bad for you and they want to see you want those things for yourself too. And that's not bad, either. You're not the only one that wants you to be happy.
Did you think I was joking about those things I told little Medea? I think there are spells that only exist to harm. That's obvious. Sometimes spells hurt people and cause damage. That doesn't make them evil. Sometimes spells heal people and fix things. That doesn't make them good. I'll gladly set fire to someone that hurts the people I care about, and anyone that tries to heal them is my enemy too. Magic is just magic. That's it. It's not good or evil. It just is.
I'm not going to let anyone hurt me. I'm still not always good at telling the difference, but I think... I can be good, even if other people aren't and even if they don't think I can be. I have people who think I can be, so it's not impossible. I'll figure it out.
do you really think im still the same person i was
['You're not the only one that wants you to be happy.'
But that was what stuck out to her the most. Something that she'd never even considered- but it reminded her of Gareth, of Kadoc, of Klaudia herself- when people reached out to her during her breakdown, it was because they cared about securing her future.
They...wanted her to be happy?
Happiness wasn't just a selfish thing she was fighting for by herself- it wasn't something that she would have to fight everyone to grasp. People actually wanted that for her, as well?]
i hadnt thought about it that way that other people would wish that for me
i thought it just was my selfish wish alone
if you dont want to lower yourself into darkness then if someone does take advantage of you or harm you tell me i will burn them on your behalf so you dont have to dirty your hands
Do I have to say it another ten times? I still think you're good. I think you can be, if you want to be! You're still Medea, and you still care about helping people. You helped me. I'm sure you've helped other people, too.
What's selfish about wanting to be happy, anyway? Shouldn't everyone get that chance? Do only some people deserve happiness? That sounds awful, who would even decide that??? If someone tells you that you shouldn't be happy, or that you being happy makes them unhappy, then maybe they deserve a little fire. 🔥 The ones thinking that only they get to be happy are the real selfish ones.
You're making it sound so dramatic... Is it 'lowering myself into darkness' to defend myself? If someone tries to hurt or take advantage of me, I shouldn't just let them. I think... it's about respecting myself? I can be heroic and brave; and that means wanting to do good things and protect people... but I'm a person too, right? So I'm allowed to protect myself. I deserve that. And so do you.
...I'll still tell you if anyone is a jerk to me, though. But we can deal with them together. And you have to tell me if anyone tries to hurt you too! That's only fair.
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no subject
I just think maybe it's not as multi-use as I was thinking it was? Maybe there's better options, right? If someone makes me mad, instead of setting them or their things on fire, I could just fight them a normal way. Or put ghosts in their bed.
...Maybe not the ghosts.
Though that would be more contained...
Like I said! I'm not sure! But using fire is hard to stop. And it's impossible to take back. Maybe I don't want to cause that much damage. Or maybe if I do, I want to be in control of it. I don't want to hurt people or put them in danger if they didn't do anything to me.
tw caster being sadistic
well
for people like me
burning everything someone holds dear is a far better solution than fighting them directly
it twists the knife more
you get to watch them suffer
and besides a magus like myself cant afford to get too close to a stronger opponent
thats why i rely on my dark magics
putting ghosts in their bed is an interesting one
ill have to remember that
but ive always planned my vengeance carefully it isnt mindless violence for the sake of it
even if the collateral never mattered
you know the sort of woman i am by now
dont you
[It struck her then that she wasn't really taking in what Klaudia was saying, not really. Why did she feel so defensive?? Was it that she was upset that her gift had missed the mark? No, that wasn't quite right...it was that thre was such a misjudgement that it had been a little jarring.
That perhaps, their mindsets were more different than she'd realised before.]
no subject
I know the sort of person you are. But sometimes I don't think you do.
I never thought that you were being mindlessly cruel, or even doing anything because you wanted to be cruel. I was on your side, wasn't I? And I would be again. I just think that maybe the collateral does matter. Or at least, it matters to other people, and I want it to matter to me. I want to have the chance to be someone that doing things right matters for.
I don't know if that makes any sense. I just know that it felt hopeless before, like I didn't get a choice. That what everyone saw in me was decided a long time ago. But now I do get to choose because I have people who will let me choose... Is that so bad?
no subject
i know
i know you are an ally who would never betray me
[So why was she so nervous? Was it that same feeling of trepidation she'd felt when the Argonauts became aware of her twisted methods, and began to mistrust her?
...She tried to refocus her attention to what was actually written.]
if you dont want your allies to be hurt i can understand that
its painful seeing them suffer
yes i can understand that
there isnt anything wrong with
that isnt my concern
i maent that
[It was frustrating. For all she felt about all of this, getting her thoughts down was difficult, and these wretched devices didn't help.]
no subject
And it's not about allies, not like that. That makes it sound too formal. It's very embarrassing and you're going to laugh at me, but one of them said I could be heroic once. I thought he was teasing me. No one has ever thought that before, not even me. But if he really does think that, then I would be letting him down if I didn't at least try.
It would be nice, being that sort of person, wouldn't it? Not the fake kind, but the real kind that helps people who really need it. My friends are both people like that. Really, really good people. And my captain was like that, too. If it's possible for me to be even just a little bit like that, then I want to be. I really, really want to be.
You used to want that too, didn't you?
no subject
people who seek to use your kindness for their own ends until there is nothing left
iyou are
but
you were someone who stayed by my side
protected and helped me
i suppose that would be heroic if you were defending someone elsee
so i dont think those people are wrong to say that about you
im not going to laugh about something like that
[There was a long pause then as she thought on Klaudia's words. Yes...she did. As a child she did want to help others that way, didn't she? And when she replied, her typing started to slip- ]
nott sinc e aphrotdite twisted mty hheart
or when th world called me a witch and blamd me for its evils
sinc i could only lliv as a witch
that is what i became
im writing too much
no subject
I haven't been called that many things. Mostly "demon" here, but not too often. A few other things where I'm from. It was more that I heard things and was told things. People don't trust tieflings. We came from devils a long time ago, so we're just evil by default. If there were any tieflings that were good, then it was a constant struggle and against their nature, and you could never actually be sure they wouldn't betray you. They were ill omens and bad luck. That's what I grew up with.
When I started traveling, I heard a lot more. I didn't like how people looked at me, but I also hated how they didn't want me to be seen at all. If I was allowed to book passage on a ship at all, it was under the condition that I stayed out of sight so I wouldn't spook the crew. So when I found a ship that didn't mind having me aboard, it was... weird. But good! Even after I found out they were pirates, I didn't care. If "bad" people were the only ones that treated me well, then I thought maybe it was all true. Maybe tieflings were just bad, and I shouldn't try to be something else if I'm never going to achieve it. I didn't want to spend my whole life struggling against who I was.
It's a little like that, right? Everyone says that you're bad, so why not just be that. It's easier than trying to be something that no one is going to see. It doesn't hurt as much when people don't believe you because you've made your own reasons. And it makes it easier to hurt them back, I think. Because you can say that they wouldn't have believed you anyway, so that means they deserve it.
But having someone actually believe you is... I don't know how to describe it in a way that I haven't already. See, I thought you were going to laugh at me being called heroic, but you don't think it's a joke either. I don't know what to do with that.
But I like it. I want to hold onto that. I don't want to let anyone tell me that I can't have it.
So. I wrote a lot too, but what I'm trying to say is... If a pirate can be heroic, then a witch can be too. If she wants to be. She doesn't have to always be arson and curses and cloaks, if what she really wants to do is help people.
no subject
everyone insists you are responsible for the evils of the world so why not show them exactly what an evil you can become
the ugliness of their desire for a witch to blame for every misfortune every ugliness in the world
and then they suffer
and you can call down your vengeance upon them without hesitation
[Getting that out there first. A pirate, hm? That was new information. As was the context about Klaudia's world.]
those who treated you with distain deserve to burn
i would have made certain of that
but in the end that would not have helped you would it
whoever it is being accepted for who you are is
important
you never want to let go of that really do you
your crewmates cared for you in the end didnt they
im glad you found people like that
i thought your world might be a little like that from what you told my younger self but
it didnt seem as if it should be my business to pry
[Another pause for thought. She really wasn't sure how coherent all of this was, not compared to Klaudia's rational arguements- perhaps it was simply her thoughts all coming far too quickly for her slow typing to keep up.]
when souichirou sama saved me and i made a pact with him
i wanted
i wanted a peaceful existence as his wife
its laughable really
that a wretched woman like me would want something that simple
but for me
the only way i could achieve such a thing was to call on my darkest magics and bloodshed in the holy grail war
not that it bothered me
i would burn the world down to achieve my happiness and keep hold of it after all
exhausting though the fighting is
but no
i dont see you wanting to be heroic as something to laugh at
truthfully it frightens me a little
no subject
...Why does it frighten you? I'm not going to suddenly be the bad kind, I promise!
1/2
that is happiness to me and i dont care if i deserve it or not its what i want
honestly klaudia those compliments are making me blush
i cant remember the last time someone spoke of me in that way
you should know better what evil i am capable of
[She didn't answer the question Klaudia had left, not at first. How should she even reply to that?]
2/2
i suppose im worried that ill be left behind
or youll grow to despise my trickery and dark magic
thats why
no subject
I don't despise magic. You should know that. Magic is just magic. There's no good magic or bad magic or whatever. You remember what I said before, right? When you were little and worried about your magic? It's just a tool. Whether it's good or bad, that depends on the person using it. If you don't want it to be "used for evil", then it doesn't have to be. It's as simple as that.
no subject
when aphrodite twisted her heart and she left her homeland for the first and last time
[Being turned into her younger self again had been a strange, humiliating experience, but she had been grateful to Klaudia for looking out for her back then.]
if you dont want to call it evil then call it selfishness
all ive done is for my own sake
to get my happiness and achieve my own ends
in the end i dont think what was said about me was incorrect or a lie
i chose to become the witch they so despised
so i could show them exactly what it was their wishes demanded when they sought someone to blame for the worlds evils
do you really think there do not exist spells that can only be used to hurt others
that curses and darkness can be used for anything else other than selfishness
i dont know where im going with this
but
dont let people exploit your desire to help them
dont let them use that kindness to hurt you
no subject
I don't see how selfishness is so bad, either. Sometimes, if you don't do things for yourself, no one will. But sometimes there's people who want to help you and want you to reach for things that aren't bad for you and they want to see you want those things for yourself too. And that's not bad, either. You're not the only one that wants you to be happy.
Did you think I was joking about those things I told little Medea? I think there are spells that only exist to harm. That's obvious. Sometimes spells hurt people and cause damage. That doesn't make them evil. Sometimes spells heal people and fix things. That doesn't make them good. I'll gladly set fire to someone that hurts the people I care about, and anyone that tries to heal them is my enemy too. Magic is just magic. That's it. It's not good or evil. It just is.
I'm not going to let anyone hurt me. I'm still not always good at telling the difference, but I think... I can be good, even if other people aren't and even if they don't think I can be. I have people who think I can be, so it's not impossible. I'll figure it out.
no subject
['You're not the only one that wants you to be happy.'
But that was what stuck out to her the most. Something that she'd never even considered- but it reminded her of Gareth, of Kadoc, of Klaudia herself- when people reached out to her during her breakdown, it was because they cared about securing her future.
They...wanted her to be happy?
Happiness wasn't just a selfish thing she was fighting for by herself- it wasn't something that she would have to fight everyone to grasp. People actually wanted that for her, as well?]
i hadnt thought about it that way
that other people would wish that for me
i thought
it just was my selfish wish alone
if you dont want to lower yourself into darkness then if someone does take advantage of you or harm you
tell me
i will burn them on your behalf
so you dont have to dirty your hands
no subject
What's selfish about wanting to be happy, anyway? Shouldn't everyone get that chance? Do only some people deserve happiness? That sounds awful, who would even decide that??? If someone tells you that you shouldn't be happy, or that you being happy makes them unhappy, then maybe they deserve a little fire. 🔥 The ones thinking that only they get to be happy are the real selfish ones.
You're making it sound so dramatic... Is it 'lowering myself into darkness' to defend myself? If someone tries to hurt or take advantage of me, I shouldn't just let them. I think... it's about respecting myself? I can be heroic and brave; and that means wanting to do good things and protect people... but I'm a person too, right? So I'm allowed to protect myself. I deserve that. And so do you.
...I'll still tell you if anyone is a jerk to me, though. But we can deal with them together. And you have to tell me if anyone tries to hurt you too! That's only fair.
no subject
but i have no reason to help strangers or those who would seek to use me for my magic
and i dont
its not that i care what people think i deserve
i just think
[She pauses, there. Was her happiness inherently selfish?
...Medea could feel a headache coming on.]
respecting yourself is a good way to put it
to respect yourself
to care for your allies
and reach out and claim what you want
i think wee can agree on that at least
but yes i will tell you
klaudia
you should know that me being dramatic wont be changing any time soon