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No, I don't think he's a bird murderer. His birds just look weird, and not like the red birds that I have on my phone.

Maybe they were out of good phones this time, or something. Still, it was mean! He doesn't know if you meant it or not, he apparently takes accusations of bird murder very seriously and I can't believe I'm even having to clarify that he does not murder birds. Which you don't even believe!

If I don't believe it, then why do you have to clarify anything? Did he ask you to say something? It wasn't that mean. He shouldn't have been lying about birds, anyway. Has he considered that?

I was asked to and now I have. What lies about birds did he tell?

That you said he can be 🐦. But he can't be 🐦 because that's for Favilla and Bridge Noodles. And it's also for our 🐦🤝. And it's also for the 🐦 that I'm going to be in my next life. It's got a lot of meanings already, so there's no way you would have told him that.

He picked it, he didn't like 😱, and it did feel a little mean to use to his face. I did tell him you would disagree. But it's not up to me either way! I didn't say he could or couldn't use it, which now feels like maybe a mistake. But he has a 🐦 too, and has always liked 🐦s a lot. Is too many meanings bad?

It gets confusing if there's too many meanings! There can be a little overlap, like with 👻 the person and 👻 the creatures; but what is it supposed to sound like if I say 🐦 came in my window the other night? Am I talking about my familiar coming home, or about an attempted burglary? Or like with ☁️ and 🤏☁️. They can't both be ☁️, even if they're both from ☁️⛰️, so one has to be 🤏☁️.

Even if he likes 🐦 a lot, that doesn't mean he gets to do whatever he wants. I like 👻 a lot, but that doesn't mean I'm 👻 now, right? And he's not the only one who likes 🐦, either! So it's just a terrible reason for him to take that picture regardless.

Those are fair and valid points, as expected of the sand cultivator, but cruelty is less expected. You could still have let him pick a different picture for himself.

I tried to! I thought up so many options for him, and some of them were even nice! I tried to think up things that he might like... Like the umbrella! It's not a fan, but it's a fancy accessory, so that was at least close. Or the poetry stuff! He talked about that a lot, and the one he sent me was kinda neat. But he just kept saying that he would be 🐦 because you said so, even when I did all that work to think up other things.

Being nice to him wasn't working. What else was I supposed to do?

He already gave up and would have taken one of the other options, pushing further than that wasn't necessary. Bullying is fun when people fight back, but not respecting a surrender is very harsh.

Being nice to him was working really well, I thought, up until then. Explaining your reasoning could also have worked, he's more reasonable than a lot of people. I haven't asked you not to use my name around him, have I?

I thought that was just because he already knew you. It wouldn't make any sense not to use your name around him if he already recognizes you. You can't make it sound like he's reasonable just like that.

... Though I guess it's weird that he's not tried to fight you, when you said a lot of people would. But that could also just be that he doesn't like to fight, like you said! Still not proof of anything.

And anyway, I don't think being nice was working well at all. It was just giving him the impression that he could do whatever he wanted because I wasn't doing anything about it. He was being stubborn and rude; and I didn't like the nice options that I'd picked for him anymore when he was being like that. I warned him that if he didn't pick something else, then he'd be 😱 forever! It's not my fault if he thought I was lying about that. Am I supposed to make what I said a lie just to be nice to him, too? Is it being harsh to keep my word?

There are options between fighting outright and being friendly! But it's not really proof I am trying to get, anyway.

Is it rude to want to pick something for yourself? Do you really want to be in charge of 'doing anything about it'? Why would you want that?

Because if I don't, then who will?

Are you going to tell him to stop? Or that there's already important things for that one? Or does 🐦🤝 not matter anymore? Why can't he pick something that we haven't already been using? Isn't that being rude, expecting everything to change for him?

Why does anyone have to? I don't understand. I didn't think you liked that type of nobility.

🐦🤝 matters!! I don't see why it would stop mattering if he uses that picture. And I don't think he's expecting everything to change for him! I don't think he knows what to expect at all, that's part of why this seems so harsh. I thought you would be more willing to be generous to someone who doesn't want to fight me or even avoid me.

I don't! I don't like that kind of nobility, and it's not like that! It's not about nobility at all!

Why don't I get to tell him to stop?? Why does he get to do whatever, and I just have to let him? I don't want that. I don't want him to have 🐦. It's ours. And you want me to just give it to him.

If I knew he was going to mess everything up, I wouldn't have told you he was here at all.

Well that's good. 👻🤝👿 👎 petty nobility.

You don't have to do anything! But you're choosing to do some things. I don't want you to just give something of ours, I wanted to share! Just a little bit. For my sake. I thought it would paint him in a better light.

This is what I mean! You wouldn't want me to know a friend was here? What if I had been like that to you in the beginning? Instead of trying to help you and Lan Zhan be friends? You don't have to, but I thought it would be nice.

I don't want to share with him. I don't know him, and he's weird. He's rude and he wouldn't listen to me and he kept saying that you said he could do things, like that meant that I had to listen to him. Then he runs to tell you that I'm being mean, when he was being awful first.

It's different with ☁️! You can't compare them. ☁️ was nice to me. He saved my life, and he teaches me things, and he tells me that my questions are never wrong and I can ask as many as I want. He's a million times better in every single way, and I like being friends with him. It's easy and fun, and no one is telling anyone else that they're being cruel unless it's funny.

I'm not sure he's been awful since the first time, which was definitely awful but was also a mistake. And I think both of you need to stop acting like I can or can't tell anyone what they can do. I know you don't know him, and I know I can't make you, and I don't even want to. But he doesn't even know anyone else here besides me and Hanguang-jun, who else is he going to tell if something upsets him? And calling him names is definitely upsetting.

I know it's not the same at all, but hasn't he been nice too, after the initial mistake? He could teach you things, and wouldn't think your questions are wrong. But even if you don't get anything for it, and even if you're not nice, I wouldn't expect you to upset him on purpose like it's a game. It's not them I'm comparing.

I didn't have anyone to tattle to when I got here! Who am I supposed to run and tell if I'm upset?? You just think I'm being cruel to him for fun or for pettiness or something stupid like that, so maybe I just should be! I can be a lot worse than using a stupid picture or making him dislike a few birds.

I don't want him to teach me anything. I want him to go away. It's not a game, and I'm not playing.

Me! Or Lan Zhan! Why are you acting like it would be the same as when you first got here, now? Why not tell me why you're upset and see if it's the same.

And what am I meant to think you're being, if not cruel? Why be worse? I didn't think I was asking for that much.

You think I'm being cruel. And if Lan Wangji thought I was being unreasonable too, I don't think I could stand it. He doesn't even like your friend, so if he said it, it would have to be true.

[After a lot of backspacing and second guessing, a second message comes:]

You have a friend from your plane now. One who will use pictures and stuff, and you can make jokes with. It's different from Lan Wangji, but it's not different from me. Wouldn't people like things that are more familiar?

I tried being nice, even though it's weird and I don't know him. But he started saying that you agree with him, and that you said I would bully him. And then he went and told you I was being mean.

I don't know what to do. Do you really think I'm being cruel? I don't want that. I don't want you to like him better than me. I can try again. I didn't mean it when I said I could be worse.

Edited Date: 2021-12-20 09:41 pm (UTC)

[What is she saying?? That he's biased? TOO biased, and in favour of Nie Huaisang? Parts of this are absurd, and parts are uncomfortably accurate, and parts he's no longer sure of at all. It will take him some time, a few circlings maybe, to figure things out.]

It is different from you, so much different! Is that what this is about? You felt like I liked my old friend better, that I took his side? Klaudia there aren't any sides! Or there don't have to be. And he's not even really more familiar, I don't remember the last time I saw him before I died...He wasn't there, and isn't scared of me now, and I thought that was pretty lucky, you know? The odds aren't good, for my generation. But that doesn't mean you have to treat him a particular way, it's true.

[But none of that really matters, if he's wronged his present friend in the process. It's just easy to forget that she's not as brash as the face she puts on.]

I don't know if you were being cruel deliberately or not, but it's not up to me either way, only you would know that. But maybe you should think about it awhile, before telling me. Or not telling me, if you want.

You don't have to worry about me liking him better than you, it's not a competition. You're my friend, you would stand up for me against dogs or small Lans or probably anything! (Don't do it though) Do you think I can find that just anywhere? You're also smart and very respectable even by Lan Zhan's standards and usually only mean when it's very funny. Clearly you are possessed currently to even be thinking like this, but it's fine because you're friends with the most powerful ghost cultivator, for life and also the next life, as a bird. Do you want an essay too? Or are you convinced?

[Klaudia spends a long time reading over these messages. In part because she keeps having to push her glasses out of the way to rub the tears out of her eyes, and in part because she's trying to sort through what she should say back. Her head hurts, and her eyes hurt, and her chest hurts. She thought for sure that he was going to tell her that of course his old friend meant more, and the first few bits of his message had her heart twisted in a vise, waiting for that shoe to drop. But the second half chokes her up in a different way, filling her chest so full that it's painful--but in a way that lifts her, rather than crushes her.]

Do you really mean that? You're not mad? Even after I told your old friend that I'd use my magic to make him hate birds? Is that the possession too? Maybe you're the possessed one. You're even offering to write an essay and not complaining even a little bit about it.

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